My (Secret) Best Friend

This is a little different than my usual post about politics, work, every day life but one that I have always wanted to write about. Recently, I was on a trip talking with another couple and a topic of age gap was being discussed.This got me thinking (and overthinking). I'm not someone who hangs out with 20+ people on a regular basis. I have a tight group of friends and those that I really enjoy hanging out with.

Over the past 6 years I got extremely close with one of my friends, which I would consider (not to sound childish) a best friend. We had seemed to click on all fronts, never really fought, nothing really got under our skin, and it was just natural conversation and nothing ever forced. I go to him to voice complaints, he does the same in return, we talk about our love lives (good and bad), we talk about work and our future and just seem to hit on every part of life.

This is one of those people that I would give anything for. If you mess with him it's the end of the world, if he is down I will do anything in my power to build him up. This is someone that I want nothing but the best for. We have traveled together, vacationed together, snuck out on overnights together just to clear our heads. We have experienced "firsts" together (no nothing too crazy), we have made future plans, and we continue to push each others limits.

All of this sounds great ... right? Here's the only downfall or strange part of our (secret) friendship ...

When he and I first met he was 19 and I was 31 (yes, a 12 year difference). Listen, we aren't dating here we are just friends and we are close. Many times I have heard people talk, his friends and mine, about the fact that we are close and did things together. Jealousy ... I don't know? At times it makes me hold back and want to actually end our friendship in order for people to just not comment. I know it bothers him, and I know he keeps things a secret if we do things together. Again, not to sound childish, but we go out and do things together and have a blast, but he needs to make sure his snapchat location is off, make sure I am not seen in his story, and go to great lengths to make sure nobody sees us together because it is "uncomfortable". Why would I want this kind of friendship? Am I that lost in myself that this is the best thing I have and don't want to let it go? Wouldn't it be better for my (secret) best friend to just go separate ways?

I'm now in a place where I feel bad. I need this person in my life, this is someone that I want to grow old with. He's now 25 (yes, I'm older too) but the fact that one of his (same age) friends may say "why do you guys even talk, why do you joke with him, why do you want to do things together, I just don't get it". You know what, you never will get it, and that's ok. But all I know for any of my friends is I want to make them happy. I don't want to be this secret friend anymore, I want to just be able to live as adults and be happy - is that so wrong?

To my (secret) best friend, these kind of things get to me, yes. They only get to me because I never want you to feel stress, anxiety, depression, disappointment, etc. Maybe it is a decision we will need to make together, maybe it is a decision we need to never discuss. I will tell you this, you've always been here for me and I want to do the same for you. We have discussed time after time so many plans and so many good times as friends that we have to look forward to. Life is such a great gift and should be enjoyed without judgement.

As always - thank you for continuing to support my blog,

Ryan Joy